Things I learned on Vacation: Maui  

1) Lots of Maui locals are angry as hell so try not to go by them too fast in your rented convertible red Mustang. They will follow your ass on their bike for as long as they can, peddling furiously while you watch them in your rear view mirror.

2) The road to Hana is not worth the brush with death you will endure. Imagine the scariest road you have ever driven on, multiply it by 10 then add really pretty scenery around it. If you aren’t the one driving it’s pretty great; waterfalls, black sand beaches, and exotic fruit stands abound. But I swear I thought we were going to get in a head on collision every 2 seconds on that damn road. Oh and if you aren’t sure of your driving skills then make sure and get the rental insurance on your car before you do the Road to Hana.

3) The food in Maui is delicious. It really didn’t matter where we were but every meal we had was excellent. The sushi at Sansei was the best sushi I have ever head. We ate there 3 times in the week we were there so you know we really liked it.

4) Horse back riding is not as cool as you think. People like to think it’s romantic to ride these stubborn beasts but for the most part it’s a painful reminder of why the horse went out of style and people now use automobiles. The first thing to tip me off that our 2 hour ride through the mountains was going to be a little trying was the fact that I had to wear pants...it is incredibly hot wearing jeans for 2 hours in Hawaii. It was like a leggy sauna. I also almost fell off my horse. My horse Shadow only wanted to stop and eat constantly. I would pull the reigns but he would look at me like he wanted to punch me in the face. Poor form Shadow!

5) Willie Nelson’s son has a really nasally voice.

6) The Grand Wailea spa/wellness center is one of the best places on earth.

7) Watching the show “Too Fat for 15” after being in the sun all day is a great way to unwind.

8) Be prepared to be asked if you just got married or are about to get married about 10 times a day if you are there with your girlfriend.

9) If you have to do any Luau there; you should do the Feast at Lele. Delicious and classy island times.

10) Every single beer there tastes delicious.